dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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