It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
