i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
