hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
