It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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