I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
