who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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