Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
