Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
