I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
