The brown eye won't let me do that either.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
