I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
