Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
