WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
