how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
