I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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