Non-Jews are for practice
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
