The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
As shirtless as possible
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
