New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
two words...techno handjob
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
