It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
