Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
