Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
