is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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