Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i now understand why vodka
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
