Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
