just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
