I wish my penis had an off switch
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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