Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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