Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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