you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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