my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
