If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
