I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So much rum. So many feels.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
