Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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