He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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