he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
