you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
