I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
