What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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