just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
