seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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