Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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