I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
