T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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