the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
