we're chasing vodka with high fives
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
