i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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