I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
