im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
