Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
