Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
